.dailys way

Mark Rent-Boy thoughts that approximately
cross in my mind couple of hours a go :

"I don't feel the sickness yet, but it's in the post. That's for sure. I'm in the junkie limbo at the moment. Too ill to sleep. Too tired to stay awake, but the sickness is on its way. Sweat, chills, nausea. Pain and craving. A need like nothing else I've ever known will soon take hold of me. It's on its way."

Its a linear way between me and Rent-Boy..
the different is only the prescription and the way those things affected.

.reason one

And yes, like my note before i really screwed up. Yes i screwed up again and right now what did i do its affected to other people feelings. Rage, regrets, and words full of emotions stabbing my lungs just like 2012 prophecy. The question is, why did i do it? i could give a million answers, all false. The truth is, im such a bad person.

And 7 and a half hour a go i stil stand for my line that "i`ll choose for living my life with no reasons". But after couple of hours thinking about the haha-haha thing in that such grey psychadelic limbo that will cheer me up, lighten my night and so felt whatever for tomorrow, a nice laugh from across the door shoot me up like a nuclear blast on my brain and lungs. And she just ate and lick my nose then peeing on my bed. "Gaabuu Gaaa Miii omm Booo...", she said. And now i felt that i have reason for living my life with fill with reason. And i found one just right now.. i believe there will be more..

Yes, im such a bad person for now..

But thats gonna change, im goin to change. I`ll be a better person. Im gonna moving on goin straight and choosing life. Im looking forward it already. Im gonna be just like you. The job, the family, fckn big lcd television, washing machine, the car, my own coffee machine, good health, low colesterol, life insurance, junk food, choices of cardigans , and jeans, cold granite floor, wooden wall, walks in the park, checking daily job emails, childrens, good housing wife...

.. clearing by... looking ahead the day you die..


Every man have a secret little playground that no one knows where it is and not even his love of his life will had a permition to enter and able to play together. That secret little playground is a place that a man can be himself without worrying what will others say to him. He can laugh till his belly shaked, cry like a year old losing pacifier, angry till green and swearing like downtown ghetto, jump while vomiting like a drunkard nascar fan, in this secret little playground. A Man can be or do anything in his secret little playground.

Right now, with all things that been through lately.. im playing death, in my secret little playground. And i let you know about that and i dont
know why..

Maybe because im not man enough to have a little secret playground.. so this will be only called a fake playground.. or maybe, there will be less of secret.. more things to say as a person..

so grey.. so heavy.. so blur..

oo.. i forgot...
im playing death right now..

.3minute lust to boiled


Instant lust for life.
Bon appetite...


Ditujukan kepada saya sebagai sebuah usaha rekonsiliasi pembenahan diri karena telah mengkhianati kata "percaya" beberapa waktu lalu, dan coba berbesar hati terima kata campak dan tak diindahkan. Pilu, tapi memang ini harus dijalani untuk semoga baik kedepannya.

"I trust people. I just don't trust the devil inside them"

Kepercayaan adalah hal yang sensitif untuk begitu saja diabaikan. Kita tak akan pernah tahu identitas seseorang dibalik topeng senyum kesehariannya. Wajah yang kasat mata bisa jadi hanya merupakan topeng untuk menunjukkan sebuah kesan dan pesan untuk lawan bicara, yang dibuat karena menyesuaikan tempat, waktu dan siapa lawan bicara kita agar menimbulakn impresi dan persepsi yang dikehendaki, dan menjadi hal yang menakutkan jika kita mengetahui apa yang ada dibalik wajah klise tersebut.

Kepercayaan terhadap seseorang bukanlah sesuatu yang bisa didapatkan dengan instan, butuh waktu berbulan-bulan, atau mungkin tahunan untuk membentuknya. Emosi yang rapuh yang dikombinasikan dengan sifat dasar manusia yang butuh orang lain untuk hidup membuat kepercayaan menjadi hal yang sensitif dan abu-abu.

Setiap manusia saya percaya punya rahasia kecil yang disimpan dalam ruang sempit yang dijaga sedemekian rupa hingga orang lain tidak ingin mengetahuinya. Dan penjaga ruang sempit tersebut bisa menjadi malaikat pelindung atau bahkan menjadi iblis antipati rasa sosial. Secara tidak sadar kita bisa saja menggunakan salah satu dari mereka sebagai siasat untuk menjadi sesuatu dalam kondisi tertentu. Iya, saya percaya itulah sifat alami manusia. Tidaklah buruk dan masih bisa di atasi jika memang sikap apa adanya memang telah mengakar dan menjadi keseharian kita. Dan semoga hal itu akan menjadi saya yang baru.

Iya, momen itu sangat berdampak akan visual bersosialisasi saya dan persepsi pribadi akan si bungkusuma.

"True human nature, the one that befits us all and the one we all hide, is worse then the fake face we show to the outside world. That, is the true fact of life"

Bukan dengan diam saya jalani teror hati yang dikarenakan alpa saya akan empati welas asih terhadap seseorang. Tapi mencoba menjadi apa adanya, dan senyum sikapi situasi yang satir.

Saya percaya, -Nya sayangi saya.

.shall stand strong is just a phase..


Been through a l
Like jumping on the cotton sheet, at last.. i am tired.
No more shallow act just to make ourselves laughing that ended up by kissing.
Just a pillow to hug and hope everythings will be ok.
And you shall stand strong facing something grey called love.
Shall we be together?
maybe later.. we`re to busy and felt zero for cuddling our nose.
Be a better person.. just in case.

.taking a break

my 6th day in bali. 2 more days to go.
5 day of photoshoots, rushing hours, less sleep makes me hmfmfmmff.
taking a break for a while at suluban beach, Bali.
wave, wind, and solitude for an hour.
things been goin on out there coz what i did.
and im counting from zero again.


"a kid, neon, and lights between"

Lay down in kuta with a bottle of beer, being fucked up, and sorry god..
i regreting things..
seeing light as a blade that stabbing ur eyes..
seeing joy as fake 5 minutes frisbee play...
seeing color as the source of pain..
and seeing wave as rage that some people have because things that you did.. and you know that you really deserve it.. so next thing to do is silent.. no more lies..

because you know that the best thing to do to be a man is dare to tell things that you wrongly did, even that hurts.. and prepare you self that you will lose all things that you have just by a minute.. and i already pushing my luck to the edge..

i`ll not running away..
zero here i go..

.do some respect!!

An ilustration for
"do some respect!"

Boys being girls, now we just can see it in most of our circles ay? and so what?
i think best thing that we can do is just respect their act just like other person who wanna have some fun.

So do the opposite lads, girls will be boys,
maybe they just show that gorls can do crazy things to have some fun,
they want their rights to shout out loud bout things..
its all about rights.. woman rights! hahaha

well.. act and attitude.. thats all matters ay?. Respect for them, who dare to shout out loud their act.
Let just called it a "life" lads.. have fun and carry on!!